In love and hating myself for it.

Have you ever seen someone where you look at them and you just know that's the person for you? A couple of years ago I came across this girl's page on MySpace, and it was like lighting had struck. She was gorgeous, she was funny, she was everything I could have possibly wanted in a girl. I sent her a message, which is no east task for me. I hate introductions. Trying to make a good first impression is one of the greatest fears of my existence. But she wrote back. She thought it was cool how much we had in common. She seemed genuinely interested in knowing more about me, So of course I freaked out and wrote this entirely too long reply. That happens to me sometimes, I get overly excited and start babbling and go completely overboard. To my complete lack of surprise I didn't hear back, not that I blamed her. I'd probably scare me off too. Still, I figured I could wait a couple of weeks, send another message apologizing and try again now that I'd gotten the initial "OMG YOU"RE SO COOL" out of my system. When I went to find her page again though it was gone. Vanished. Deleted. "This member does either not exist or has had their membership cancelled" or whatever the line is they use.

I wasn't crushed. I didn't cry, I didn't shake my angry fist at God. But I won't lie, there was a part of me that was heartbroken. I know how that sounds. I mean it was a fucking MySpace page. Still, haven't you ever been walking down the street when you lay eyes on someone walks who captures your imagination? In that five or six seconds before your paths cross you live out the rest of your lives together and you picture what your kids are going to look like. You almost wish you'll "accidentally" bump into each other just so that you'll have an excuse to say something. But then they're gone, and when you turn your head to look back you get a little bummed because they didn't do the same thing. You keep on walking though. That's just life.

Anyway, point is I never forgot this girl, and every once in awhile I'd type her name in to see if she'd gotten a new page. Never had any luck...until late last week. She's back, and as god as my witness she's somehow even more awesome than before. So now I'm trying to work myself up to sending her a new message, but the truth is seeing her again has taken all my flaws and laid them out very plainly in front of my face. You can't write her now. Look at you. You're a fucking mess. Out of shape, no job, no car. You're a fucking loser. No way she's going to want anything to do with you, and that's if you're lucky enough for her not to remember what a spazzed out geek you were last time. Asshole.

It's a kick in the gut but in a way it's what I need. For the first time in a long time I'm starting to feel motivated to actually do something with my life and dig myself out of the hole I've been in for the past eight months. But there's also a part of me that's still giving myself shit in my head. This? This is why? You finally start to feel your oats again and it's only in the vain hope some girl on the fucking internet might want to talk to you? WHAT THE FUCK. I know that I'm supposed to want to fix the problems in my life for me, to feel better about myself-- that's what everyone tells me. That's what my ex told me when she dumped me. But frankly, that's something I've never been able to do. I've never cared about myself that much. The only time I ever want to be a better person is when there's someone I want to be a better person for. And right now I want to be a better person for this girl. Is it bad to have a goal like that? Maybe it is, but I have to believe having a straw to grasp at is better than nothing.