I'm praying this is it. I'm praying this is the lowest I go in life and that if I can get back on track, I'll finally get my shit together because I'll remember what life's been like for me so far this year. But frankly I'm scared. This has happened before. The first half of 2006, things weren't much better than they are now. I worked a job for a couple of months, but I was so depressed from getting dumped-- mind you, I got dumped in October of 2005-- that I couldn't cope with anything and I ended up getting fired. I tried to drink myself unconscious on Valentine's Day that year. And the thing is, when I finally got a job a couple of months later and things started to level out, I told myself then, "Don't let this shit happen again." Now this.
I think I've said this before, but I feel like Dante in Clerks. Somewhere along the line I quit doing what was necessary to better myself. I just settle for what's around me until inevitably it all turns to shit and someone has to bail me out. I don't know when, why or how, and I don't know how to fix it. What's worse is that there's a part of me that doesn't want to, because that would require effort, and what happens when you try, really try, and fail? Get rejected? This friend of mine who doesn't seem to remember me, I've written her twice now, told her about conversations and events from less than six months ago, and she replies she's "still having trouble figuring out who you are." I'm down on myself enough as is, I seriously don't need reinforcement of the notion nobody gives a shit right now.
I could never join the military. I don't want to fight in wars. I hate authority and being told what to do. Yet if I were to be completely honest with myself that kind of system is exactly what I need. That structure, the complete lack of freedom. Rank and file, rank and file. I need to have my ass kicked before I'll do anything. It's like this: When I was in high school, I did pretty well. Everything was laid out. I went to my classes because attendance was mandatory. After school I came home, did my homework, that was it. There was time for a job and to hang out with friends but Monday through Friday, that was it. I just accepted it and went about my business. When I got to college though, that changed. I had a lot more freedom and immediately I started screwing up. Didn't go to classes. Hung out with my friends and did absolutely fuck all. The grades would slip, my mom would get pissed, I'd turn it around for awhile because I knew she'd give me shit if I didn't, and then the whole thing would start over again.
So basically, and I fucking hate to admit this, for me to straighten up and act like a human being I need something like the threat of my mom giving me shit. Is that really the fucking case? I know deep down inside I have it in me to stand on my own two feet. I've done it before. But I guess that's it; I can only maintain the status quo. I either can't or won't try to achieve more, and I have a sneaking suspicion that until I do, this endless cycle of suck is going to keep repeating. I need help. Serious help. I've tried to get help before though and I never stick with it. It's the same goddamn problem. I don't put the effort in. So I fail, and what happens. I get it in my head that I can't do it. That the problems are unfixable. FUCK. Even typing this out now I see it all. The loop of shit I'm in. I see my problems. I know my faults. Why am I so unwilling or unable to make things better? When did I turn into this person? What the fuck is wrong with me?
