Random things I hate at this very moment.

In no particular order:

• The .mkv file format: Apparently this is a new format for hi-def video, and I don't know if it's my video card or the age of my desktop in general, but out of all the files I've downloaded (check your torrents, people) I've only gotten one to play even close to normal, and that was by halving the video size and quitting every other application. Fuck that noise. Give me an .avi file and let me watch the damn movie.


• The Playstation 2: Or at least my specific model of it, which I only today discovered is one of the only two revisions of the PS2 hardware that can't play the game I just spent two days downloading. I can see the disk from here, sitting there. Mocking me.


• The company that owns my building: Thanks for not allowing us to go with satellite, thereby putting us at the mercy of Charter Communications and their choppy service. No, really, it's okay. I didn't need to watch FOX tonight. Dicks.


• Star Wars Episode II - Attack of the Clones: It's on TV right now and there's a lot of it that actually works, but the fact that nobody could pull George aside and talk to him about the dialogue in some of these scenes...I don't have that pure fanboy bile that a lot of dudes do (I'm a Trek guy), it's more that feeling you get when you're watching a game show and somebody blows their winnings on a really easy question. Pity mixed with annoyance. "How could you fuck that up? You were so close!" That feeling.


• That ASPCA commerical with Sarah McLachlan: For being depressing and making me want to amass a vast fortune so that I might save all the animals at risk of being put to sleep for no good reason, and for Sarah McLachlan looking damn fine and the knowledge that I will never, ever have her. Bah.


• Me: I'm lazy as hell and for all the things in my head I'd like to write about it's like I can't be arsed to just sit here and do it. I just mindlessly surf the same sites over and over again, get bored, play some video games, bemoan the fact that I'm wasting my life and then pass out on the couch. I need a swift kick in the ass and I need it now. And by now I mean about twelve years ago.

Nature: God's prissy drama queen.

The following things all just happened at once: Weather radio kicked on, tornado sirens for the city went off, and a huge gust of wind nearly took the curtains off the sliding glass door. Okay. I get it. It's going to rain. No need to get all up in my face about it.

Thunderstorms tonight and tomorrow, snow on Sunday. You're an indecisive motherfucker, April.

Finally.

For the first time in recent memory the month of June has something to offer. Sunday, June 1st, 11:30 pm EST, comes...the third season of 'The Venture Bros.'



I'll admit it. I'm aroused.

Agent 47 wants a banana.

I've gotten to a point where ninety-five percent of all things "LOL-" related annoy me. This is from the other five.

"...And stir."

There's more. So much more. Five hundred and twenty six videos more. A science fiction series in which he portrays every character more. I'm as fascinated by this man as I am terrified by the thought I could one day become like him. I need to get outside more often.

And now they own all our buildings.

Not that you can ever put anything past the YTMND crowd, but wow.

http://slapthejap.ytmnd.com/

What a proud moment in our history. Oy. I'm going to have to double up on anime and ramen purchases now just for having clicked on that.

Do they still f**k 'em like they used to?

Do porn movies still exist? I'm talking about the ones where there's a script and a plot and the characters have names. I know it might sound weird to ask but I was going through my folder on the computer last night and noticed almost everything was from a website: Big Tits at School, Big Tits at Work, Big Tits Boss, Bangbus, My Sister's Hot Friend, etc. They must still make "full-length"* features though, right? I mean, I know porn's job is to get you off. Ron Jeremy will never be on 'Inside the Actor's Studio.' Peter North and Jenna Jameson knew they weren't getting Oscars for Priceless, though I suppose they could've gotten AVN awards so that's probably not the best example.  

Point is I was curious, so as an example I googled the old Where The Boys Aren't series and discovered that the latest entry (pun most definitely, and considering it's girl-on-girl, somewhat ironically intended) is the first one to forego a storyline and just have chicks banging, no rhyme or reason. Now this doesn't necessarily break my heart in twain but all the same, I'd hate to think honest to god porno films are a dying breed. There are most assuredly dudes out there who actually want to watch the entire thing, if only to get their money's worth. (I haven't checked lately but back in the day, a lot of the new titles were damn pricey.) I know I've definitely kept watching a couple after the task at hand** was done, and there's always been those times hanging out at somebody's house where Anal Anarchy or Meatman and Throbbin gets thrown in for everyone in to sit around and laugh at. Guess I'm not enough of a porn connoisseur to know the answer to this one, I just never hear about them anymore. Shame.


*Heh.
**Double heh.

Tunnel (tele)vision.

I've had a lot of free time lately. Wait. Let me clarify: I've had a lot of time lately that I should have been using to look for a new job and better my current lot in life, but have instead spent being lazy and depressed and goofing off. Anyway, one of the big things I've done with this time is catch up on some TV shows I missed out on; in particular, 'Dexter' and 'Battlestar Galactica.' My best friend had been bugging me about 'Dexter' for awhile; add in all the hoopla surrounding this being the last season for 'BSG' and the final five Cylons and truth be told, morbid curiosity since I thought the original was so lame, I finally gave in and decided to watch them both.

Holy crap. I honestly wish I could go back in time and kick myself in the balls for not having watched these when they originally aired. The excruciating pain would be worth it. I'm especially impressed with 'Galactica'-- never in a million years would I have suspected that Sci-Fi, the same network whose schedule is comprised of films cheesier than a Wisconsin dairy farm, could turn out something of such quality. Ronald D. Moore, the showrunner on 'BSG' has crafted this universe that's space opera, war epic, political drama, religious parable, all these separate elements coming together and not only does it all work, it even makes me forgive the sometimes overabundant use of a fake swear word ("frak," as in "Go frak yourself, motherfrakker"). As for 'Dexter,' along with the guilty pleasure I derive from 'Big Brother After Dark' (though sadly not as much now that my favorite houseguest is gone) it's the only real reason I can justify paying for Showtime. Truth be told it edges out 'Galactica' in both writing and acting-- especially acting; Michael C. Hall should have a pair of Emmys sitting on the mantle at home-- but as a lifelong nerd I'm a sucker for science fiction so 'BSG' gets the nod.

Which brings us to today. I've gone through both seasons of 'Dexter' and as of this afternoon I'm all caught on 'BSG' (poor Cally!). So...now what? 'Arrested Development,' 'The Wire,' 'The Shield,' 'The West Wing,' '24,' 'LOST,' still haven't seen seasons five through seven of 'Buffy,' 'Firefly,' 'Freaks and Geeks'-- the list goes on. So many shows I never gave a chance the first time around and I've no idea where to start. It's almost enough to give me a frakking headache.

"They might carve your head into a mountain."

From Monday's 'Daily Show,' Jon Stewart riffs on the latest insurmountable-but-oh-maybe-not crisis to hit the Obama campaign:

Once again it falls to a comedian to provide actual insight while the appointed experts on the news networks are the ones making it sound like a joke.

What annoys me most about this story (term used loosely) is that Barack Obama tells the truth, and people rush to drag him over the coals for it.  I mean, seriously--  "Barack Slams Small Towns?"  Really, CNN?  Is that the story we're going with?  Maybe it wasn't in Pennsylvania, but I've spent my time in the kind of small town where walking around drunk randomly shooting things with a .22 is the epitome of a fun night and racial epithets don't so much as raise an eyebrow.  Like Stewart says, bitter doesn't begin to describe it.  Yet yesterday I read in the Wall Street Journal that the McCain campaign is going to use this to their advantage and plan to take Obama to task for decrying "the small town values that made America great."  Ah yes, the values that keep Pat Robertson, NASCAR, the NRA and the term "pro-life" in business.  Allow me to happily take my place among the liberal elitist crowd when I say, fuck that. 

The upside of panic attacks.

I've had panic attacks off and on for the last ten years now.  Thankfully in that time I've learned to control them much better-- there hasn't been a full-blown one in a long time now-- but after being so sporadic the last few years, lately they seem to be coming on a little bit more frequently.  It's a lot of stuff that contributes to them:  Fucked up sleep schedule, stress, shitty eating habits, depression.  I get these flashes just about every day now.  Just real quick shots of terror, most of it centered around the fact that I'm mortal and I'm going to die one day.  Which sucks, you know?  I've been worrying about death since I was twenty.  Isn't that what the whole mid-life crisis thing is supposed to be about?    

Anyway, had one today walking to the grocery store.  On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being nervous and 10 being about to pass out, this was a 4.  Truth be told it started before I left the house.  I could feel the dread and the unease, the tightness in my chest.  But part of dealing with these things is just trying to push through that shit and go about your business.  A few hundred yards from the front door is when it really hit.  Breathing starting to go ragged, heart beating faster, the world closing in around me despite walking in the fresh air on what might be the nicest day of the year so far.  Like I said though, you've got to keep going.  So I kept walking and as luck would have it, one of my favorite songs came on the iPod.  One of those songs that no matter what mood you're in it's going to lift you up, if only a little.  And it worked-- the beat, the rhythm, it gave me something to focus on until I was able to pull myself together.  By the time I'd reached the corner the exercise high had kicked in and I was almost normal again. 

At this point you might be wondering where the upside part comes in, because so far the experience sounds pretty crap.  Well it is, but this is how I see it.  Before I left I was planning on buying some beef sticks, chicken wings and brownies.  Once I'd had my little episode however, the thought of eating any of that stuff...no fucking way.  I walked out of there with a bottle of orange juice, fake vcgetarian ground "beef" and a bag of Sun Chips.  

And that negative reinforcement, as sick as it sounds, is the upside.  For every moment of near crippling hysteria I've suffered through over the past decade I've ended up doing something good to make up for it.  No liter bottles of soda (no soda at all actually).  No Soft Batch cookies every night.  A salad every once in awhile.  Eating out less.  Walking more.  Do I always stick to it?  Of course not; if I did I wouldn't have been thinking about getting brownies in the first place.  But even if it's only for a month or two at a time, I'm living better than I was, and eventually the changes become permanent and benefit me in the long run.  With any luck, I'll make it to an age where it's actually expected to be worried about dying.  Hopefully by then I'll have learned to accept it.  

Lesboriffic.

Found out a few days ago that the last girl to have the pleasure of my company (as in we knocked boots-- I'm subtle) is now batting for the other team and scissoring with this:

Honestly?  I don't blame her.  I mean I know we men have real working wangs and all but you have to admit, a body like that is hard to compete with.*  Question is, since these two got together after I had my turn, do I still get to say I had sex with this chick by association?  Because I'd really like to, it just feels a bit like cheating.  

(More pics:  1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

*There's a joke here about being hard and "competing" with myself, but I'm too classy for such lowbrow humor.

30 Helens Agree this is funny.

The Kids in the Hall are going to be in town at the end of the month and it pains me to no end that I'm not going to be able to see them live.    Especially with fantastic new ideas like this one.

Well that sucked.

This is the first post I've been able to write in over a week.  Thanks to Blogger's 'Possible Terms of Service Violation' system for giving me such a well deserved vacation after only two days and seven entries.  Good looking out, people.  Good looking out.  

Eh, whatever.  It's too early in the morning for righteous indignation.  Moving on.