"Saturday Night Lizzive"

They're repeating the Ellen Page/Wilco episode of SNL tonight. I could go into a whole other thing about how SNL does four weeks of shows after coming off a five month break and that's supposed to be a big deal but I won't. Anyway, first off: Fuck Wilco. I don't care how much Pitchfork or NME or whoever else wants to rim them and remind me of their indie cred, they're fucking boring.  

Speaking of indie cred, Ellen Page.  Ellen Page, Ellen Page, Ellen Page.  Oh how I adore thee, my little Canadian kitten.  I could totally understand how Jason Bateman would want want to commit adultery with you in Juno.  You were Kitty Pryde in the last X-Men movie, and I've always had a hard-on for that matter phasing Jewish princess.  Even in Hard Candy I thought you were hot.  Sure, I know you were playing a 14 year old, but I also know you were 19 at the time so it's cool.

But back to Juno for a minute.  Now I liked the movie, but part of it never felt real to me.  I'm not talking about the near complete absence of black people in Juno's high school-- I've only been to Minnesota once, but judging by my experience there I'm willing to buy into that concept-- no, what I'm talking about is the dialogue.  Do 16 year old girls living in what looks to be suburban Minnesota honestly say things like "I blog to differ?" Do they watch Dario Argento films and listen to Iggy and the Stooges?  I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if there are any such girls, they are few and far, far between.   

I don't know.  Maybe I'm cynical.  Maybe with the advent of the internet and music and movies and hipster slang being only a click away, things are different from when I was sixteen and the sassy, independent girls only had Tori Amos or Nine Inch Nails to turn to for their sassy, independent needs.  Whatever the case, I could never quite believe that a character like Juno could truly exist.  She was simply too cool, hamburger phone and all.  

Or was that the point?  Is Juno supposed to be an alternative to the Miley Cyruses and Paris Hiltonettes of the world?  To show that in an age of La Lohans and Britneys there are still ladies bringing intelligence and humor to the table?  Because we already--

Hold on. Wilco's on again. Let me mute the TV.

Okay.

Because we already know that.  That's what Tina Fey and Sarah Silverman are for.  Maybe only Sarah Silverman from the neck down though.  She looks too much like her brother.  It's like watching a Bizarro version of Weekend at Bernie's where the hero has nice boobs and sings about fucking Matt Damon.

Point is, Ellen, if your role in Juno was in any way at all supposed to help usher in a new era of smart, hip, and funny young women in cinema, that's awesome and I hope it's a sign of things to come.  Having said that, I still hate you for dropping out of the new Sam Raimi film.  I don't care if Spider-Man 3 killed the franchise or not, that motherfucker directed Army of Darkness.  Hail to the king, bitch.